just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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