saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
