What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
