If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
