My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
