He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
