My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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