Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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