she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
