I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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