You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The struggles of a small town man whore
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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