After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
