Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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