They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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