dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
