Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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