You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
