Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
