Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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