you have to choose: penises or morals?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
