paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
