if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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