i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
