Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
