One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
