Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
