Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
