are you so shy because you have an std?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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