i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
