Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
