do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
