So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
