So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
