Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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