Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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