we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
