I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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