this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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