Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
