I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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