It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
