I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
