I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
