its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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