I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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