and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
