Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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