woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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