me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
