dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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